(Hi all, I wrote this last Wednesday and didn't publish it as my plane was leaving so I tidied it up and posted it today ... lots happened since then and that will be coming soon :)
It was all I could do keep it together through my five hour work skype/teleconference call yesterday, attempting to sound on purpose and full of good intelligent ideas, when the reality was I was on the verge of tears with a neck that was aching horrendously. What is going on with me? This is freaking ridiculous!!
I made it to my acupuncturist appointment within 10 minutes of the end of our meeting ...
It was like crossing the threshold in to a space where I could just be me, breath out and be real for a moment in time ... I sat down in his chair and just started crying ...
It didn't take him long to get the picture... particularly after he asked me to poke out my tongue ("hmmm" he says ... "a bit swollen and pale"). Next he leaves me to undress and lie down face down on his table, with a towel over me, my face poking through the circular padded hole.
He returns to get a feel for where my body is at, whilst asking me pertinent questions. He marked out the spots for the needles, meanwhile I'm bawling my eyes out through the hole.
He told me I have 'blood deficiency' (ie less blood and anaemic blood).
He continued to put the needles in ... they go in so painlessly ... but then he twirls them right in until he gets an 'OUCH' ... as it sends either a throbbing or twitching pain up the muscle / meridian he's aiming at. That's how he knows he hit the spot! Today's array of needle points? Well, Gall Bladder .... Heart ... and Liver ... e gad ... oh and just a couple for goood measure in the actual tight part of my neck...
Stress, nervous system and anxiety are the order of the day it would seem ... or the year or two actually ... it's all decided to accumulate in my neck and my body ...
In chinese medicine, each organ in the body is associated with an emotion, an element, and has interrelationships with other systems in the body. It acknowledges the energetic and emotional body as well as the physical and chemical, and shows how they are all related.
Of course, feeling so emotional these days I want to make sense of it from a physiological perspective. I ask him about the gall bladder associations, given that seems to be my 'biggie' at the moment. "Resentment, indecision and lack of direction" he remarks. Hmm thinks me, "those Chinese medicine types 5000 years ago were pretty tuned in" ...
By this time I'm rendered immobile with needles in my back, neck, arms, feet and hands. I have snot flowing so freely out of my nose and no way of wiping it that i had to nudge the face towel with my face, so it would catch my snot before it oozed down to the floor! I proteset and he just tells me "Get it out ... let it out ... it's your body cleansing itself of stuff..." he says. 'Yay" thinks me .... just what I want to leave behind, a big sludgy-she-let-it-all-out puddle of j9 snot for the next person to admire. Freaking wonderful.
I share with him "I'm feeling intensely uncomfortable today ... ". He asks me where? I say 'everywhere ... just the fact I'm stuck on this table and unable to move' ...
He asks "so, do you feel that has parallels to anything else that is going on in your life at the moment?"
"He he" ", says me, ... 'that just about sums up my entire feeling about life in general!"
He wonders if it goes back to childhood patterning and I am not so sure I have any more of that left in me .. I mean I've been to see chiropractors, osteopaths, yogic therapists, meta-physics people, homeopaths, naturopaths, NLP practitioners, hypnotists, psychics, tarot readers, energetic healers, past life regressionists ... you name it I've given it a go ... (many to great results and others not so much). Add to that ten odd years of my life 'taking responsibility' through another growth seminar community. I mean, I've healed so much of that childhood and crappy programming ... what else could there be?
I'm feeling pretty clear this is more about the present. Having a voice. Finding MY voice, and doing what Janine wants, without the voices of everyone else having say and turning my life in to a symphony of 'should's'.
He suggests.. that maybe it's not who I am to be settled down, with a house, and a dog, in a job, in Tasmania ... and who says that is what I'm supposed to be doing anyway? Maybe it's ok for me, as a person, for who I am, to be free, wandering the world, and keeping myself footloose and fancy free?
I am beginning to think maybe that's it!! So many SHOULDS in my life .. you know ... who says it's not grown up to go wandering around the world doing whatever I want wherever I want? I know that I have in the past found that that can be isolating and lonely... yet I know too that feeling trapped in a life I don't want is awful too ...
But all the pressure of friends, society and my own voices say 'that's you being a commitment phobe.... grow up get committed ... stop avoiding your life '
This is going to become indulgent soon so I shall sign off ... suffice to say, lots of exploration going on!
This happened yesterday, and right now I'm sitting at the airport waiting for my flight to Sydney. I can already feel the heavy blanket of this gloomy murky feeling of down-ness starting to lift ... and I'm just sitting here with a view of tarmac.
Until next time.
Love you
Janine
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