My coach just suggested I start a blog. I've got another six or so sitting in my blogger account ... forlorn, incomplete and forgotten... underwhelming.
I had to choose a colour scheme for this one, and the black one was the only one. That might start to build a picture of what is coming...
Reading back through one of those underwhelming blogs, was a diary style blog I started as a 'year in review' a couple of years ago, to keep my friends up to date with my goings on. I'm not surprised I decided to not share the link with anyone ... I found myself stupendously bored and disengaged.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TRUTH?
I reminded myself the other day when Barbara, my coach (current saviour) brought out of me the fact that I wrote my South American journal with that single mission in mind... tell the truth. Tell it like it is. Don't sugar coat it. Be real.
Well, I was real in that journal, and I love to read it... so did my email list.
Well the truth was absent in that underwhelming year in review blog, it would seem, in my attempts to put on a shiny happy face about the life I'd been living that year ... plastically proclaiming how happy and together I was, and wanting to broadcast it from the blogging roof top... perhaps it was more for my benefit than everyone elses? Was I scared I would get found out that I was living a lie? Or at least some of it anyway.
Personal Development 101 ... YOUR ACT. Are you your act? Is anything about the way I present myself to the world even remotely truthful? Even when I think I'm telling the truth, I realise on reflection I'm not... yeah, they can know about THAT really crappy awful bit, but I'll just omit the bits that are too hot even for me to handle... I'm realising how much I even lie to myself...
So here we go! Does this have to be good? Does it have to be engaging? No ... stuff it... it is what it is, like it or lump it, sod off if you don't ... hang around if you do. As another teach of mine once said "it doesn't have to be perfect, it just hast to get done'.
The teary streaks are still drying on my cheeks, this realisation that yes I am depressed ... the big 'D' word. The scary D word. Once again, in personal development 101 (well the way I equated it anyway), DEPRESSED = VICTIM ... big green hairy pathetic one ... so no we don't show it... put on that happy face and get on with it... after all, the truth is, no one wants to be around a depressed person... not even me, so at least I can get by with my happy act, when I have to... until it lurks up from beneath me and takes over every cell of my body with this heavy, laden, guilt-ridden feeling of inadequacy and shame.... pathetic woman for not getting over yourself already.
On a happier note, I have some writings from days gone by, that really make me smile and proud, so in between these wonderfully enlightened posts ... we can take a step back in time to the EMOTIONALLY INTENSE travels of J9.
The objective of this blog, is to just blog. Barbara suggested it to me less than an hour ago, and the fact I'm here writing already is telling me I need to write.
Perhaps this will be about healing from the events of the last wee while, and finding my voice again, moving forward in to an emotionally intense and interesting set of new adventures to provide fodder for my ramblings... i love rambling when there's something interesting to ramble about.
Perhaps the new revelation is that it doesn't have to be some full blown world wide adventure or a death in the family to provide good fodder to ramble about... perhaps it's about the little adventures in life ... everything can be an adventure ... even writing a blog.
Today, I am so grateful for the human spirit, and the offer of love and support from the most unlikely of places. I feel very blessed and very supported, even in my isolation.
Love,
Janine
I love reading this, Janine. It's like a breath of fresh air. I know parts are said but I could feel a smile on my face as I was reading. Just the pleasure of honesty and clarity, I think.
ReplyDelete"D" isn't something you choose. It's like a flu of the brain and nature, when it's behaving itself, sends it to slow us down after a loss. I know you can feel sorry for yourself when you're depressed, it comes with the package. You also criticize yourself too much. But depression itself isn't the behavior of a victim. It's the behavior of someone who broke some bones and needs stay off her feet for awhile. To make sure you do that, Nature makes you feel like crap. I guess we're supposed to say Thanks?
Keep writing. It's wonderful.
Thank you Barbara, a voice of reason wisdom and clarity... and
ReplyDeleteThank you universe :-) ...
My wonderful friend!
ReplyDeleteI worry that you think "D" is something to be ashamed of! I think maybe the thing that can cause some problems is if the big "D" takes over every area of your life, if it totally stifles you, all the time, and you end up doing nothing. Maybe you have me fooled, and I don't see that this is what you're doing... I see that you are sad, I see that you are confused, and I also see that you are working on creating the life that you want, that you are putting yourself out there and doing the best that you can!
Grieving a big loss, being sad and confused, having a hard time, I think is normal. That's part of the package of life. Be sweet to yourself! And stuff Personal Development 101... What do they know anyway?! ;)
Hang in there, I think that you are doing great! Love you!