This Depression Thing

Weird thing it is. I think I'm over it, have a good hour, day, maybe few days, then next thing I know it's totally overtaken me again. It's like it's this external entity, that's in no way connected to myself... yet it is, because it's my state of being that makes it want to come and engulf me. It sounds like it's HAPPENING to me (oh no.... there's that victimy thing again)...

That above paragraph makes no sense whatsoever, and kind of reflects this 'losing of the plot' i seem to be engulfed by ... and stuff it, i'll just blah it all on to this page ... like i said before, if its interesting, great, if not, sod off.

What I know is I didn't get out of bed til after midday today because I was so emotionally exhausted.

Being depressed is one thing. Beating myself up about it is another. The action side of me wants to get myself out of the depression, by doing things like signing up to volunteer on a singing festival, got to a Zumba class, assist on the Experience, go to a party tonight, help my Dad out at his shack... and even the things I 'have' to do like work... all good things to get out, get connected, and get un-depressed....

ah ah.

So I end up doing very little, not keeping my word, letting others down, being a take on the space, then beating myself up about it ... watch my to do list grow longer and longer and longer, then feel even worse, sleep more, cry a lot more, feel totally uninspired about anything, .... then feel so overhwhelmed and in a hole.

Sigh

When I talk about being depressed it gives other people permission to do the same. It's like "D" is a dirty word... unspeakable... embarrassing ..... to be open enough to say "this is going on with me" seems liberating.

A friend today told me she'd been told she was mildly depressed by her doctor a few weeks ago. I said 'have you told anyone else that'... she said 'no'... another friend of mine told me he had been on anti-depressants since he could remember ... once again, not something readily mentioned prior.

I'm on a new adventure of unspoken discovery. Yay. And I thought I'd heard it all before.

I felt like when I opened up to my group of 'support' the other day, three of them, metaphorically, I had to stand there with my baseball bat and protective clothing, ready to just slam away all of the stuff that came flying at me ...

.....'well do this, and do that' ... and 'look what you've created' ... (man that one gives me the shits)... what you're doing is obviously not working right now, so change it ...

Well thanks a fucking lot, Einsteins ... that took a rocket scientist to figure out. Clearly it is not working for me right now ... change it???

Good grief ... well if i knew what how where and when to do that i would have done that by now too.

I AM DEPRESSED DAMM IT ... YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, JUST LISTEN TO ME WILL YOU AND APPRECIATE WHAT I'M REALLY SAYING.

They got the message in the end, but not after I'd gotten rather hot under the collar and had to dig my heels in and go, dammit, stop it ... and listen.

Then I got 'well just do depression great'.

Thanks... I am thinks me... i'm only divulging a tiny portion of the toxic stuff that could otherwise be rolling off my tongue ... like I said before, no one really want s to be around a depressed person,not even me ... so the act comes out. Got to just divulge enough to get a message across, yet not overwhelm people with a big pile of black sticky tar....

Sigh.
Rant.

I am blessed that I have such beautiful people in my life who's only interest are supporting, loving and taking care of me... and you know so many of them are so sweet and accepting and supportive. This just seems to be a very tricky subject to negotiate... and a difficult subject for many to respond to.

Barbara was such a sweet voice of reason amongst it all, telling me it's natural, and normal, and to just curl up and nurture myself for a while. The trick seems to let my brain allow myself to be ok with it and stop judging me for it.

I'm off to find some books on the subject this weekend... maybe that will be my new mission, understand depression and support others going through it and actually talk about it~~ and navigate through it ... because this sucks. I"m sure I"m not the first, I know there must be a mountain of support and writings about it out there....

Future book title: Elegantly navigate the dark and gloomy road of depression

Lots of love
The depressed one.