The Great Letting Go of Vipassana

(or was that actually concentration camp?)

Psycho J9?
Have you ever turned in to an extremely ordinary, underwhelming, off balance, drama-fuelled, victimy, um, downright psychotic version of yourself? And been suitably disgusted with yourself as a result?

I have recently had the curious and unpleasant experience of navigating the above path.

The catalyst being none other than an extremely intense romantic relationship with Mr Passionate Musical Tall Dark and Handsome Joel.

J9s been in love

On the up side of it, I had experienced the most loving, intimate, intense, connected, passionate, full of desire, incredible communication, and profound state of euphoric connection, mentally, emotionally and physically, that I had ever experienced in my life. I healed myself in so many levels, in myself esteem, my sexuality, my experience of feeling in love.

Add the above at a time when I’m about to turn 40, I’m feeling more ready than ever to have a home, be grounded, have a family (yes my body clock is screaming at me) and partner in co-creation with someone ..... something he had also clearly expressed his desire to create .....

Unfortunately, the above dizzy heights came with a matching down side .....

And there it goes ....

A number of mis matches on core values led me to a state of extreme disappointment, expectation, judgement, criticism, drama, assuming the worst, heavy-ness, mis-guided attempts to communicate ... and disillusionment ..... even in the midst an awareness of what I was doing, and a gallant intellectual attempt to let it go!

Of course, I had all the rational, moral high ground, spiritually congruent and intellectually sound reasons to have frenzied myself in to that state of being right, and justified in my point of view ..... all the things he was or wasn’t doing, for me to respond in that way ... and there were many very committed attempts on both sides to talk it through (something I valued highly in our interactions).

Clearly, it wasn’t working. We gallantly attempted to navigate a path together. He hung in there for a while ... on off on off.... then, he stepped away. He needed space. I got needy. Then he ran. Then I closed the door. Or he closed the door. Or we both closed the door, or whatever. The door is shut.

All of this in the space of two months!!! We managed to successfully screw that one up!!!

Even having read and absorbed a lot of ‘enlightened relationship’ material, and how one ‘should’ come to a relationship as a whole’ .... why wasn’t I able to apply it?

You’re fearful and needy
Some parting feedback from him in the hours of gallant debrief conversation were: “You’re running on fear. You’re emotionally needy”.

Well, they’re the two that shot straight to my core, and stopped me in my tracks (always a good sign some one is on the money!).

Sigh.

My bucket of tears was a start to the release of energy and realisation.... a bitter pill to swallow. It freaked me out actually the degree of emotion, mental commotion, and lack of resolution I was finding in the internal debrief.....

Yet, fortunately, to my credit, fairly quickly I decided....

Buck up your ideas and do something differently J9

“I’m clearly doing something here that is not working. This is not the possibility I want to be expressing in the world. It hurts. It creates misery. And I’m better than this.”

Throw in to all of this a background of great discontent and feelings of failure around my chosen work, chosen place of abode, general isolation and aloneness, wanting my own home, a family of my own ... 40 in January, body clock ticking? What a wonderful recipe for misery!

But it has been misery at my core, and expressed in those closest to me. I am great at faking it, being happy full of energy and life, and generosity, abundance, being of service, and being great, and all of that ‘working on myself’ stuff ....

This was affirmed by a newly acquired friend (my swing dance teacher) recently said when I shared a little of what was going on ... “but J9, I can’t imagine anything other than a smile on your face?” .... or another swing dance friend when over a glass of wine at a jazz band, she heard of my two hours-old break up with Joel ‘but you’re so ZEN about it all ... i can’t believe it ... I’d be a mess” ....

Yep, doing all the ‘right’ things.... the external act is very successful.... yet, there’s something missing at the core of my being.

Fortunately, all this personal growth work over the years has taught me one thing categorically and soundly unchallenged...... the first key to any kind of change, healing or transmogrification is.....

Observe yourself.

Sneak up on yourself.

Get out of the reactions, the emotions, the drama, the story, the messy-ness of it all .... and

Observe yourself.

Then with awareness, one can craft a solution.

Well observe myself I have.....

“Hmm, J9, you’re a needy attached dramatic mess.” “Freaking yay!”

“Do something differently.”

But what?

If I ask myself that question I could come up with tens or even hundreds of different points of view, approaches, philosophies, strategies, decisions, resolutions .... yet, all just merge in to a loud chaotic and unruly mess in my head.

That oh-so-exhausting head of mine. At the point of splitting up with Joel, it was like a crowd full of rowdy football revellers in the grand final stadium.

Why?

I’ve become a Course Junkie

I’ve insatiably acquired my name on so many mailing lists, I have an Inbox the size of texas, with this expert or that expert emailing me on me how to be financially free, make passive income, heal my body energetically, heal the planet, enter the goddess, emerge the new feminine power, law of attraction, find your soulmate, buy gold and silver, watch the economic crisis and profit from it, be a better coach, find your passion, be a leader, be this be that, meditate, do yoga, do everything you love, refuse to choose .. jesus i’ve been on lists telling me the aliens are in residence on the planet and that the moon landing was a conspiracy ....

I have a matching library of books and e-books on all of the above topics. Quite the collection.

Geesh, there’s even an iTunes library full of audio that I could listen to for weeks on end, and still not get to the end of .... the likes of Deepak, Robbins, Eckhart, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Denise Linn, Carolyn Myss..... (and that’s merely a sample).

Then then there’s the dear friends and confidante’s, of which I am blessed to have many. All with their points of view, their wonderful listening, their ideas, their suggestions ........

Oh my god, I nearly forgot to mention the courses and seminars ... the Experience a gazillion times, assisting processes, volunteering, NLP Master prac, Hypnotherapy, Soul Coaching certification, Barbara Sher’s Scanner retreat, yoga retreats, yoga teacher training, native american medicine man discourses, sweat lodges, meta-physics, umpteen travel adventures and experiences.. jeeze i even went to work for Robert Kiyosaki’s event company so I could soak up all that info and become financially free ........

Oh, and then there’s the visits to see psychics, tarot readers, reiki healers, energetic healers, acupuncturists, astrologers, NLP sessions, hypnotherapy sessions, angel card readers ....

(This is um, very embarrassing to write)

Hellooooo?

Hello?

Did I say already that I had turned in to a psychotic mess?

I’ve become so good at considering other points of view, what happened to my own?

Hmmm.

STOP.
STOP.
STOP.

ENOUGH.
ENOUGH.
ENOUGH.

Janine Rosina Beck.

Listen to yourself.

Get a grip.

Time to find your own answers.
Time to find your own answers.

Enter Vipassana

Whilst I’ve had many a friend or yoga student tell me over the last decade or so, that a ten day Vipassana silent meditation retreat is a wonderful thing to do, and I have had it on my “bucket list” a long time .... I had three reminders of it in the last month. Joel’s friend told me about her experience of it. Judith Lucy did a piece on it on her ABC doco, and then, Helen, my dear friend Helen, enrolled me in the benefits at length, and that I should do it. “Just do it Janine. I’ve done just as much stuff as you .... isa, NLP, and all sorts of books, seminars, audios ... THIS IS DIFFERENT. TRUST ME.”

So the same day, Sunday I looked up the retreat near Hobart .... “ooh, one starts on Wednesday ... there’s space!” I applied. On Monday my boss, in the middle of a very intense project at work and in response to a very honest disclosure and a few tears said ‘J9 you take all the time you need’, the retreat accepted my application, I powered through my to do list, packed, set my auto-responder, and left.

My head was already screaming at me

“But Janine, you have too much you should be doing at home. Your to do list. Your hypnotherapy homework. Your work project. Surely you should use the ten days to get some of that done, rather than go off and indulge yourself in this ten day folly. You could get so much done!”

“Yeah right ... with this mental state, I’ll just sit here ruminating and getting more frustrated with myself... what a great recipe for productivity. SHUT UP AND DRIVE”.

I arrive to the beautiful bush property at Mt Dromedary, 40 minutes out of Hobart, and the registrants ask for my wallet, my keys, and my mobile phone (ie “you won’t be needing these and no you’re not going to escape or communicate with the outside world”).

Okay then.

I agree to code of discipline during my stay, most notably, the five precepts:

to abstain from killing any being;
to abstain from stealing;
to abstain from all sexual activity;
to abstain from telling lies;
to abstain from all intoxicants.

And the others:

Noble silence - that is no communication with anyone other than site manager and teacher: no talking, no eye contact, no bodily gestures.

NO outside contact.

NO reading, writing or listening to music.

NO practicing other techniques, religious rituals etc.

Modest and un-revealing clothing (no tight leggings, cleavage etc).

Eating only fruit and tea after midday.

No physical contact with others.

Complete segregation of the sexes (we had separate parts of the grounds to walk on. Separate dining rooms. We meditated on opposite sides of the meditation hall).

The air was wintery, mountainy, Tasmanian cold. I walked the gravel path from the dining hall through the bush to my ‘residential quarters’... a surprisingly luxurious cell-sized thermostatically controlled room with a single bed, a side table and a chair. (Relative luxury apparently, in the early days they stayed in tents).

I got to chat with the other women for an hour over some soup, before noble silence began. Seven of us were newbies, ranging in age from mid twenties to what appeared to be 60’s or beyond.... married, unmarried, with kids, without, two from Queensland, one from Adelaide, and the rest from Tassie. Two of them ‘old’ students. One’s been doing these since the 70s and the other was here for her ninth ‘sitting’.

If you’re not willing to stay for ten days ... go now

Then the briefing, asking us once again to be committed to ten days and nothing but the ten days .... and the silence begins...

We go to the meditation hall for the first time, we are assigned our sitting place (two cushions, one big one for under ankles and butt, and one other one specifically for the butt) to which we will stay all week, and our first discourse with Goenka on video screen, and he sets the scene for the coming ten days....

4.30 am? Are you serious?

Be up and in meditation by 4.30 am every day, then meditate very seriously for the 11 ‘formal’ hours of scheduled meditation (work very hard, very hard) until bed time at 9pm, which is broken up by meal times, and a discourse by the teacher, Goenka (on video screen) at night time, where he explains the technique, provides insight, and tells (wonderful) stories.

These ten days were profound. They rate amongst the most significant days of my life. They were so difficult. Every day I wished it was Day 10 already. Every day seemed so long. Soooooo long. And yes, in the early stages I certainly talked to myself extensively about leaving.

It’s funny. I hadn’t researched or done any real investigation or thinking on what exactly it was I would be doing! I was focussed on the simple concept of being quiet, and only witness to my own internal insights, discoveries, ‘aha’s for ten days. Yes I would be meditating, and that’s about the extent of thought I’d given it!

I soon discovered, that these ten days were really about working very seriously and very diligently at thoroughly learning, the simple, yet profound technique of meditation used by Buddha to become enlightened, 2,500 years ago.

The purpose? To free ourselves from misery and be happy.

I’m miserable ... how did he know that? How does he know everyone is miserable? After all he’s not just talking to me here....

Well that’s kind of consoling ... the whole of humanity is i misery (or they’d be enlightened by now!) ...

And how?

It is so simple a concept and so profound.

Free yourself from attachment and accept what is.

Yep, I have certainly heard that before, I mean, who hasn’t? Yet, this was going to be gathered in understanding and WISDOM (my own wisdom) at the EXPERIENTIAL level (a very sound concept! One I am very familiar with in isa!!).....

He shared with us, that we spend our whole lives focussing on gross experience, after gross experience (ie big, significant, peak) .... either the big happy ones, or the big horrible ones.

What does that create? Well, it creates attachment. Either through a craving for the happy positive experience... which in the absence of which, creates misery.

Or

Attachment to the elimination or avoidance of the negative experience... through aversion, which, creates misery.

So simple.

Craving = Misery
Aversion = Misery

The other aspect is ... that when I focus on the big 'gross' events / experiences ... what happens to all the stuff in the middle?

To free myself from misery, I must become equanamous with what is... Accept the present reality. Be with what is.

For example, physical pain is one thing.

Add a mental element to it (eg sore foot ... ‘oh sore foot, so bad, go away, hate it, ouch, anguish, aversion, reaction, how can I fix it?? arrrgghh ...’). This adding of the mental element to the physical element multiplies the pain. If one can just accept and be with the pain. Then there is only pain. Not the multiplication of pain (and then misery).

To go in to this with the understanding that everything is impermanent in the universe... and that as negative things, experiences, events arise, and pass away, so do the happy, positive events ... they arise, they pass away.

That is the way of life. Arising. Passing away.

Impermanence.

Well yes, as most people would probably agree, this is not something new really (although there’s beauty in its simplicity) ... but how to experience it and really GET it?

Meditate

Observe the sensations on the body.

The whole technique of vipassana is about observing sensations on the body (there’s a very thorough technique and guidance on how to do this ... it all started with three days only observing the breath and nostrils ... yes, three whole days, just doing that ... sharpening the mind).

So after the three days of “Anna Panna”, we were ‘given’ Vipassana on the fourth day ... an expanded process of observing sensation on the whole body. If I observe a pleasant sensation on the body, just be with it... don’t create attachment or craving to it, or I create misery.

Similarly, if I experience pain on the body. Eg a very sore knee from sitting ... my job is to observe the sensation. Purely and simply. Observe it, be equanamous with it. Don’t react to it. Be with it, observe it, with the understanding that everything in the universe arises and passes away. Everything is changing. Everything is impermanent.

Well, that was profound in itself.

The deeper element of all of this practice, which he explains, is missing in most meditation techniques, is that it is really all about uncovering, and allowing the arising of deeply rooted ‘sankharas’ from the unconscious mind. Those hurts, and attachments from many years (even lives) gone by, which, rooted in the unconscious, are the core thing that creates the reactions in life.... and the connection between the sankhara and the reaction is bridged with, categorically, a corresponding sensation on the body.

By tuning in to physical sensation on the body, and observing these equanamously, it allows, in a deep state of healing in meditation, the arising of these to the surface, so they can pass away... if observed equanamously.

The allowing of these to arise and pass away, creates less reaction in life, the slowing and elimination or creating new sankharas, and the allowing of a peaceful and harmonious and happy life. The purification of the mind.

This concept appealed and felt very congruent with my previous learnings, as I’ve long held an understanding and very real experience, that conscious information is useless unless we can create deep integration of it with our unconscious mind, which is the one really running the show.

The exercise and ability to observe simply what is on the body, could then expand in to the response to every day situations in life ... and that if I develop the will, the muscle, the discipline and the healing to respond to sensations equanamously, so too, this will flow in to daily life and interactions, and create a similar ability to respond ... ultimately fully with compassion, love and peace.

I liked that this required mental discipline. Yay! A good reason to have the mental (so much personal development stuff is all bout ... follow your heart, what does your heart say?) ....

Well ... I was sufficiently intellectually and rationally enrolled in the deep explanations he provided, many scientific, and very logical, about how this simple process of observing the body, is a reflection of life, and the universe.... and that I would apply myself diligently to giving the technique a ‘fair trial’.

After all, what else was I going to do for ten days!!?

Follow the instructions

Well I’m happy to report that I followed the instructions. Most notably, I was actually UP and meditating in the hall by 4.30 am every morning!!!! Whahoooo. Even though it was possible to go undetected and in bed sleeping, because you were allowed to meditate in your ‘own residential quarters ..’..

I also only ate until I was 3/4 full at each meal.

Well, it was certainly apparent that my ‘monkey mind’ was alive and well, particularly during the first three days of ‘Anna Panna’. How quickly my mind would wander to all manner of topics, before I realised and came back to my breath and my nostril sensations.

It was some time very early on, that I chuckled to myself. Most friends hearing of my pending Vipassana were most concerned ... ‘what? no talking for ten days?” .... well, I realised I was having no problems with that one whatsoever, because THERE WAS A FULL BLOWN 100 MEMBER SYMPOSIUM TAKING PLACE IN MY HEAD, MOST OF THE TIME!”!! No shortage of words in my world ... they just weren’t audible to those outside of me!

Joel thoughts - phase 1 - Blame

After a day and a half of obsessively hashing and re-hashing all of my encounters with Joel, and justifying to myself kind of angrily just why I was so right, and he was so wrong and out of line .... and that we really don’t belong together, and if only he had done this differently or that differently .... about half way through Day 2, the day I desperately wanted to leave ... I found a moment of peace during lunch time.

On a walk in the forest, I had two songs pop in to my head ... which came from nowhere. And as I have learned to do these last few years, whenever that happens I always chuckle at just how relevant the lyrics of the song are to whatever is going on in my life at the time!

So in my mind I sang the lyrics to myself, and yes, I chuckled, and felt so extremely grateful. It affirmed to me that this week was going to work out and I was going to receive all the things I really needed to move forward.

“Nothing really matters .... Love is all you need” (by Madonna).

Nothing really matters,
Love is all we need.
Everything I give you.
All comes back to me...

Nothing takes the past away ...
like the future....
Nothing makes darkness go ....
like the light ....

And

“Let go. Let God”
By Olivia Newton John

When you can't find
your direction
And your heart won't
guide you home Let Go
Let God
When your dreams
are broken in the dust
And you've lost the
will to trust Let Go
Let God

These brought forward a sense of peace and calm ...... whoo hoo, i’m done already! Day 2 and I’ve got my aha. I can be blissful for the rest of the week now....

Thoughts about Joel - Phase 2 - He’s so lovely!

Then in the later days, the thoughts about Joel became no less intense or obsessive over the next few days, they just changed their tone.

I began to think through all of the beautiful and wonderful acts of kindness and love he had shown me during our time together. I looked for ways that I could assess his true character. I realised he is such a kind and loving soul. Yes some pretty fundamental core values differ to mine, hence a mis-match, and in his heart he is a strong, good, loving and kind man.

I spent much time wondering how he would be feeling about our two week break which was due to end straight after my Vipassana. So much time wondering how he would respond, how would I respond, what did I want, was it worth it, would he even want it, would I want to reconcile? Would he have gone away and processed and would he have decided he wanted to shift, or reconcile, or ????

Well, being equanamous in mind, I was learning to be.

I realised ... “all I can do is respond to what is”. I have no control over how he responds. All I can do is respond to what he brings at the end! That in itself will be a reflection of where he is at in his life and what he needs. Let it go. If he wants nothing more to do with me, then so be it. His loss. Go with it. Let it be. Who knows J9, you may want nothing more to do with him by the end of this!”

I managed to let the conversations go for a couple of days (I think!), and I got to contemplate my life, and my work my hypnotherapy, my other desires.

Clearly I need to express more creatively in my life... that came up so strongly.

On day 4 when we were ‘given’ Vipassana, I cried and cried. As the beautiful, funny, and wise Goenka explained the technique, and at the end so lovingly explained that through equanimity came acceptance, and ultimately peace and happiness... he said it soooo lovingly .... It just hit me between the eyeballs... I mean, once again, it’s not new information. And I was clearly ready to hear this simple piece of information and take it in to my heart ... it was such a relief.

Accept

The tears just streamed down my face as I realised what all of this was about. The simplicity. The possibility. The reminder. The tangible technique. The rationality of it all. The acknowledgement of the power of rational mind and mental discipline.....

The sense of calm and peace in my meditation was so wonderful (yes J9, but don’t get attached to the nice feelings either!! ... attachment = craving = misery!) ....

The week continued. My 4.30 am meditations were soooo peaceful. The voices in my head so quiet. I managed long long periods of concentration (even an hour and a half at one stage) ... like, that’s profound given usually before Vipassana i probably achieved 30 secs to a minute if I was lucky, before the monkey mind would step in)..... then there was also the time it took to realise I was monkey minding, and to bring myself back ... that became shorter and shorter also....

Goenka talks about how day 2 and day 6 seem to be the hardest for people. Well Helen told me too she had had her breakthorugh on day 6 after lunch, after much agitation and resistance.

Well, for me, I was emotional and agitated on Day 6. When I went to visit the teacher at lunch time (we could go ask questions at midday). I opened my mouth, having felt quite peaceful and even emotionally neutral, and the emotion and tears came forth. “Where did they come from?” thinks me. Was a good reminder too, that sometimes talking can just give energy and be unhelpful. I mean, yes, talk about stuff, and sometimes, its just better not to!

Anyway, I digress .... she supported me in just being and to remind me that I was in the middle of ‘deep deep surgery’, and it probably didn’t seem like it, and I was.

The breakthrough

I trusted that, went about my day ... and day 7, I was woken by the gong at 4am, and I just did not want to get up. Sooo much resistance. “I can sleep, after all Helen didn’t get up two mornings, either did Judith Lucy. It’s day 7! You deserve a break from getting up ... you’ve been so diligent all week ...” ... and then, my isa voice kicked in ‘J9, you know it from many years of work, whenever you feel this resistant with quitting coming up, you are on the edge of your comfort zone and you’re about to have a breakthrough. GET UP!”.

So I did. I threw my clothes on, went to pee, splash my face, and walked up the windy gravel path to the meditation hall. I plonked myself down, wrapped myself in my blanket, and away I went.

Sure enough, within a very short space of time, I felt this wave of energy just gush up from my abdomen... up and through my head ... and with it came this huge realisation.

I am alone.

I AM ALONE.

I am alone.

I am alone.

I’m not talking, alone as in, I’m single now, no more boyfriend. I mean, human journey type alone.

If that doesn’t help get rid of neediness and attachment, I’m not sure what will!

The beauty of all of this, is as Goenka explains during the week. “You can listen to gurus, teachers, leaders, read books, and listen to stories. YES. Do that as it is good for guidance and inspiration. And at the end of the day, the only way you can ever gather your own wisdom.... YOUR wisdom, is with your OWN experience. No one can fight your battle for you. No one can do it for you. You know what is best for you. You go within and find your own answers.”

Whooo freaking hoo!!

I think that was the blinding insight for me for the week. The rest was just window dressing.

I am alone.

Did I say that already?

It is so very interesting, because you know how messages seem to come to the forefront in bunches when you need to get the lesson? Well that’s my experience anyway. The more aware I become, the more I notice the recurrent conversations and things that stick out for me.

Well, this is something I posted on my Facebook wall on August 8:

"In fact a mature person does not fall in love, he rises in love. The word ’fall’ is not right. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. Somehow they were managing and standing. They cannot manage and they cannot stand – they find a woman and they are gone, they find a man and they are gone. They were always ready to fall on the ground and to creep. They don’t have th.e backbone, the spine; they don’t have that integrity to stand alone.

A mature person has the integrity to be alone. And when a mature person gives love, he gives without any strings attached to it: he simply gives. And when a mature person gives love, he feels grateful that you have accepted his love, not vice versa. He does not expect you to be thankful for it – no, not at all, he does not even need your thanks. He thanks you for accepting his love. And when two mature persons are in love, one of the greatest paradoxes of life happens, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet tremendously alone; they are together so much so that they are almost one. But their oneness does not destroy their individuality, in fact, it enhances it: they become more individual." ~ (Osho)

So interesting!

Well after that, and we were advised that we had only two more serious days of meditation on Day 8 and Day 9 (Day 10 was to be our shock absorber day ... we could talk again!) ... so I thought ‘OMG ... get cracking J9!” ..

I felt the urgency. I felt I wanted to get the most out of this as possible.

After a very still meditation in the morning of DAy 8 it all went to crap. I mean, I must have managed about 5 seconds of focus, and then next thing I’d know it was about half an hour later!

Thoughts about Joel - Phase 3 - Seduction (um ... obsession)

What was I talking to myself about? Surprise, freaking surprise ... Joel. This time though, having moved through the resentment and being right the first couple of days, to the next phase of loving everything about him and who he is ... to these thoughts on Day 8? How I could seduce him, book hotel rooms, light candles, lap dance... all manner of scenarios to play out ... all of the saucy variety ... the music was lined up .. it was all played out ..... I’ll leave the rest to the imagination! If only he knew the things he had in store for him!!!!

Then, very late in that Day 8 when I returned from those thoughts AGAIN, for the gazillionth time that day ... (equanamous and slightly frustrated realisation) ... “JANINE JANINE JANINE .... JESUS, YOU ARE OBSESSED! SHUT THE F#*K UP ABOUT JOEL ALREADY.”

The ‘you are obsessed’, interestingly, shut me up. I realised I was just in craving. Wanting Joel? Wanting someone. Get a grip.

Peace

And then the peace reigned. Day 9 was profoundly quiet, and concentrated and equanamous. The physical pain was immense ... the sankhara’s were arising thick and fast, particularly in my legs ... and they even had my legs bubbling away three nights in a row, where I noticed so much stuff was resolving.

It was very tough to stay still, not move, and let the pain just be. Three one hour sittings of ‘strong determination’ a day, we were specifically invited to not move during meditation ... and that was really tough. Amazingly I could do it for most of the week, not move, something I never imagined was possible at the beginning ... especially in the face of such pain.

The women are unleashed

Day 10, was like the gaggle of turkeys arising in the womens side of the dining hall.... the three poor men stayed on their side even though they were welcome to integrate ... we women were talking hell for leather! Was so funny.

Chris, who I bumped in to on the gravel path, looked pleased to be able to interact without the ‘gaggle’!! He just laughed with loving amusement about the joys of the female energy. How complementary it was to the men’s. I loved that he loved that so much. I felt very drawn to the simplicity of his masculine energy. Understated. Solid. Grounded. Un-fussy. Loving.

We had a wonderful chat about all sorts of philosophical things, and the meaning of life, in the sunshine.

Our “shock absorber” day 10 brought us the third piece to our meditation tool kit “Metta Palma”. The expression, silently, of love, peace and happiness for all beings. So beautiful. LIke a healing ointment to the deep wounds we’d been healing all week.

He explained to us, to never do this unless we were 'fit' to do it ... if we were feeling uneasy in any way or experiencing 'gross sensations' on the body .. do not do this. Wait until you are calm and in neutral sensation.

When he first explained it to us ... I honestly checked in and realised I wasn't fit for it ... that was disappointing ... and then I realised, ooh, J9, be equanimous with that!! Don't create attachment to being 'fit' for it ...

The next time we were up in the hall that day, doing this loving practice again, after our meditation ... I once again was in gross pain experience with my legs... as everyone else left, I lingered ... it was such a peaceful space ... yet I knew I needed to get to the other side of this pain ... little did I know I'd get my other big 'aha' ... in that, i became equanimous with the pain ... and THEN I realised OMG! My back feels light, and wonderful, every where else on my body is in such a blissful state right now!!! That's what I do in my life ... I keep focussing on my legs, wishing they'd stop hurting, and not focussing on all the stuff that's working beautifully! ... And wiht that, my pain subsided!! AND THEN I was fit for Metta.!!!

I lingered in the hall for a long time after everyone else went ... chatting their way down the path ... I just wanted to revel in the stillness, the happy glow, the contemplativeness, the centredness of it all.... before braving the world again.

Last thoughts ...

I so treasure my time there. Most days I was wondering to myself ‘why the heck are you here J9, this is torture ... Luis said it was a ‘concentration camp’, he was right, it is!!! And yet, I find myself one week on, already contemplating when I will return.

I’ve come away decided to just be centred and still about Joel. About relationship. About being alone. Being me and where I'm at. To let my hypnotherapy study go. To love what is in my life right now. Throw myself in to creative projects here in readiness for my birthday party. Get dancing. Get singing. Love my yoga teaching. Allow myself to be still about my contract work right now, and know that it won’t be forever... stressing about it doesn’t help. Practice being equanimous with it, and THEN I may see the other options before me.

This week at home on my own, I’ve been feeling the scary feeling of D lurking on the fringe,... the familiar tears have been right there stinging behind my eyeballs, and in my throat, every day, as they have for a very long time ... yet, I’ve not surrendered to them. That familiar pattern of allowing them I realise has become just that, a pattern. Yes, I acknowledge the power of release through emotion ... and for me, I am finding the middle path ... and so far so good, I’m allowing that what feels like permanent nervous, pit of my stomach feeling of unease, and just letting it be there ... with trust that it will pass in the law of impermanence ... it’s difficult, and i’m just finding my way to being happy in my own space for a while....

Thank you for reading my story.

Lots of love
Janine

Let Go, Let God.

ps If you read this far, congratulations!! I love comments .... ;-)